Lessons learned

Hi lovely,

I’ve been thinking about you. I hope that you’re tending to your mind, body, and spirit with an extra big dose of love, care, and compassion during the swirl of December. This year shook and humbled me. As 2024 winds down, I’d like to share some of the lessons I learned (and relearned).

Accept chaos: In a year filled with grief and loss, I would often fantasize about running away somewhere by myself where I could just catch my breath. In the absence of being able to go on a six-month sabbatical, I reminded myself that even in the most difficult moments, there are gifts and opportunities. Sometimes you have to let your heart break to truly know yourself. The hope is that you emerge from the messy place with deeper love, clarity, and empathy.

Be misunderstood: No matter how much I work on myself, I am still invested in wanting to be liked. My instinct is to solve and fix, even the unfixable. Therapist Todd Baratz says, “some people misunderstand us in service of their own dysfunction. It is their inaccurate narrative of us that allows them to avoid having to face their own shame, fear, and pain.” Learn to distinguish between who deserves an explanation and who doesn’t. If you’re burnt out, it’s not just because you’re investing too much time and energy into work. Preventing burnout is also about understanding what is true about your body, your personality, and your reality.

Notice when you’re jumping to conclusions: Catch yourself next time you’re making up a story in your head about a given situation. A situation is just a situation until we assign meaning to it.

Try a thing and see: Somewhere on the road to adulthood, we forgot how to experiment and play. What if you could give yourself permission to try something and (gasp!) be bad at it? The same goes for taking action even when you don’t know what the outcome will be.

Let things be: This means all of it – the grief, the joy and our natural responses to the changes of life. I like to remind myself that ‘this is how it’s come to be, just for right now.’ Please provide the text that you would like me to check for spelling errors.This doesn’t mean that I don’t care or that I don’t act, it means that I have some perspective.

Lean on your people: My father died in the fall and what has helped me most though the grieving process has been the tremendous love and care I’ve received from friends. Life can be violent so love your peeps as hard as you can.

Puppy love: I spent years looking after dogs in my neighborhood and when I turned 50, I knew that I wanted a pup to accompany in this next phase of life. Chewie came along at the perfect time and was a source of pure happiness and joy during an arduous year. Life with him went up to eleven (yes I’m old and that’s a Spinal Tap reference iykyk).

I’d love to hear from you – what are you reflecting on as the year winds down? What are you going to try to figure out in 2025? What’s your word for the year?

So many questions!

If you’re looking for a great tool to reflect on the year and plan the next one, I’m a big fan of the Year Compass.

May you have a warm, cozy and restorative holiday season. And may you call in abundance, health, love, magic and prosperity in the new year.

I deeply appreciate you.
Vesna

The love list:

Watching: The wonderful final seasons of Somebody Somewhere and What We Do in the Shadows

Reading: All Fours – Miranda July

Listening: Bright Future – Adrianne Lenker and A Charlie Brown Christmas – Vince Guaraldi  Trio

Right now it's like this

Hi friend,

It’s been a minute.

I had every intention of keeping up with my newsletter writing but 2024 started off with a bang. At the end of January, I had a house fire (luckily no one was home and we’re all safe and sound). My family had to be relocated to temporary housing and it’s unclear when we’ll be able to go back home. A day after the fire, my aunt with advanced Alzheimer’s was taken to hospital. She doesn’t have a partner or children so I am her de facto caregiver. Managing all of these moving parts, along with parenting and running a business has been…intense.

I am aware of the fact that none of what I’m going through makes me special or unique. We’re all going through stuff and figuring out how to navigate life in these messy times. It’s been humbling for me to notice just how fragile my mental health is, even with so many tools and resources at my disposal. I’m also constantly surprised by how unprepared I am for this phase of life. I naively thought that midlife would be about solving one problem after another. Instead, it feels like an onslaught of problems happening all at once without much of a chance to come up for air.

I’ve been reminding myself of something I learned from meditation teacher Ajahn Sumedho. He has a simple saying which goes, “right now it’s like this.” What does this mean? For me it’s the acknowledgment that I always want more of the good stuff and less of the bad. That’s how life is and it’s probably one of the reasons why I end up unhappy. What if it were possible, instead of focusing on what I don’t like about a given situation, I could just tell myself “right now it’s like this.” It doesn’t mean that I’m okay  with how things are but it leaves room for the possibility that I can coexist with difficulty without freaking out. Another benefit of “right now it’s like this” is that the phrase gives me just right amount of pause in the midst of a wobble. It reminds me that I can be okay with whatever isn’t okay. It’s a gateway to relating to what’s happening, inside and outside. Rather than push negative feelings away I can simply allow them to be there.

Dropping all that effort feels relaxing.

I’ll leave you with this poem from James A Pearson:

THIS SPRING

How can I love this spring
when it’s pulling me
through my life faster
than any time before it?
When five separate dooms
are promised this decade
and here I am, just trying
to watch a bumblebee cling
to its first purple flower.
I cannot save this world.
But look how it’s trying,
once again, to save me.

With love, care and gratitude,
Vesna

The love list:

Watching: Ramy Youssef: More Feelings

Reading: Somebody’s Daughter by Ashley C. Ford

Listening: Vida by Ana Tijoux

Into the new year

Hi sweets,

How are you?

I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’m crawling to the finish line and most days I’m trying to catch my breath. I’ve been thinking about how we’re  forced into believing that the holiday season is a time of endless bounty and joy which inevitably makes me question whether I’m doing enough.

I truly believe that planning for the holidays means planning for your wellbeing. I’m a big proponent of anticipating how you’re going to respond to life’s challenges in moments when you are  feeling whole, capable and resourced, rather than when your nervous system is in  overdrive.

I’m not a big fan of resolutions (unless that’s your thing – no judgment!), but I do love to do some writing at the end of the year to reflect on where I’m at personally and professionally.

Here are some wonderful questions to ask yourself at this time, courtesy of frank, an executive leadership community that I’m involved with as a coach, program designer and facilitator:

·      If you could travel back to a year ago, what would you tell yourself?

·      What has inspired you the most this year? Why?

·      What are you most grateful for this year?

·      What is a good habit you’ve developed this year?

·      What is the most courageous thing you’ve done this year?

·      What are you most excited for in 2024?

I also love to ask my clients to tell me a word that describes what they want to emulate and embody in the new year. The answers have included: magic, curious, creative, unchartered and (my personal favourite) no :)

My words for 2024 will be: calm and rest.

May you protect your peace this holiday season.

With love and care,
Vesna

The love list:

Watching: American Symphony

Reading: Rest is Resistance

Listening: My album of the year - Javelin by Sufjan Stevens

Acknowledging the different layers

Hi friend,

I hope that you are tending to yourself as you navigate this heavy and turbulent time.

Here are some things that have been helping me cope when the world feels like it’s upside down.

Slowing down: I often find myself caught up in a swirl of information on social media and it’s easy to get caught up in the rush of doomscrolling. I’m trying to remember to take a step back, breathe and allow myself to be present, otherwise it’s too hard for me to discerning.

Allowing myself to grieve: The pain and suffering I’ve been witnessing can be overwhelming. It's important to allow myself to grieve and feel the full spectrum of emotions that arise. In the words of Prentis Hemphill, “your emotions are yours. They reveal what you care about, what you are afraid of, and what you love. They can also show you, if you look closely; where your emotions have been or can be manipulated for another’s gain. Feel what is true to you. Look into what you feel. Be willing to be changed.”

Staying empathetic: I recently completed a beginner level somatic experiencing course and the instructor reminded us that every person carries their own layers of individual and collective trauma along with  life experiences that shape their perspectives and actions. In moments of fear and pressure, it’s easy for my perspectives to become narrow. Whenever possible I’m learning to soften when I feel the urge to harden and I’m trying to expand my perspective when the world seems constricted.

Embracing joy: I’m remembering to fully embrace moments of joy. Joy, in its fleeting nature, carries the power to inspire us, uplift us, and fuel our resilience. It's the acknowledgment that even in the face of sorrow, we can find moments of happiness worth celebrating.

It can be jarring to hold the weight of grief in one hand and the radiance of joy in the other. As I maneuver this delicate balancing act, it’s not about eliminating one to make room for the other. Instead, it's about acknowledging and embracing both, letting them coexist and finding meaning in the midst of so much complexity.

Wishing you moments of profound joy and the strength to navigate the heaviness with grace.

With extra care,
Vesna

The love list:

Watching: The beautiful final season of Reservation Dogs

Reading: Victory City by Salman Rushdie

Listening: Revisiting Midnight Marauders on it’s 30th anniversary

A new year in September

Hi lovely,

Today you will be getting a special Coach Vesna love letter curated by my partner, Joey. Enjoy! 

With love, always,

Vesna

*** 

As kids, we always dreaded the arrival of September. By Labour Day, the fast pace of a new school year erased the leisurely pace of summer. Suddenly, we had to get up early. Wait for the bus. Homework.

Brutal stuff.

Summers were for relaxing, for letting the day unfold. Year after year we took July and August to explore and build our little worlds, starting with our neighbourhoods, and then eventually our cities and beyond. And even though we knew it was coming, the end of summer always seemed to arrive abruptly, as if for the first time. June turns to September in an instant – no more lazing around, back to school we went.

With the perspective of a few decades, observing my son experience the seasonal transition year after year, I think more and more that this is the time of year that really signifies endings and beginnings. The long, hot days of summer – our reward for enduring the brutal Montreal winter – start wrapping up just as they find their rhythm.

The first stirrings of autumn also meant that the Jewish high holidays were approaching. This coming Friday night marks the beginning of Rosh Hashanah, the new year in the Hebrew calendar (it literally translates to “head of the year”), quickly followed by Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, and Sukkot, the harvest festival. Those holidays provided some respite: the school year may have just started, but we spent a good chunk of its first month enjoying days off, spending endless mornings in synagogue and afternoons enjoying the last dregs of our blessed summer.

Despite living and working in a secular culture, I approach this time of year as a moment of transition, a chance to release whatever regrets have been following me around for the past year, to fill up on sunshine and warm days, to psych up for another Montreal winter, and to be grateful for another trip around the sun.

It is Jewish tradition to wish each other a good and sweet new year – shana tova umetukah, we say in Hebrew. We take apples, whose round shape reminds us that every ending is a beginning, and dip them in honey, as a symbol of this sweetness, which we hope lingers through whatever the new year has in store for us. The new year is followed by a 10-day period leading to Yom Kippur called teshuvah, which is translated as ‘repentance’ but really means ‘return’ – an extended opportunity to meditate on our own shortcomings, to seek forgiveness and atonement for our sins against ourselves and others, to get us back on track for the year ahead.

The promise and potential of the new year first ushers in a moment for personal reflection and rededication to self-improvement. A fitting way to wind down summertime.

So as much as I’ll keep enjoying New Year’s Eve parties and days off around the end of December, I’ll always consider this time of year the real moment for new beginnings.

May you and yours find much sweetness and delight in the year ahead! Shana tova!

The love list:

Watching: Bad Sisters

Reading: Do you remember being born?

Listening: Why are we never satisfied?

An ode to summer

Hi lovely,

I hope that you’re having an easy and breezy end of summer. July and August held so much for me.

A restful and nourishing vacation

Reconnections with dear friends

Fresh cherries and warm tea

Swimming in turquoise waters

Smoky air and a worried heart

Cheering on clients navigating big changes

Getting lots of stuff wrong, but winning the consolation prize of learning

Playlists shuffling in just the right order

The vast expanse between not ready and ready

Remembering that not everything has to be a problem

Divesting from my need to prove myself  through hard work

Saying goodbye to musicians that I never knew I cared about so deeply

Daily doses of morning light

Taking small actions rather than being in the swirl of indecision

Making choices that feel aligned with my heart

Being in awe of my garden that’s growing despite my neglect

More naps than I care to admit

Whatever the summer has been for you, I appreciate you being here.

Thank you for being part of this community.

Warmly,

Vesna

The love list:

Watching: Season two of The Bear

Reading: What I’ve Learned: Questlove and Alexis Pauline Gumbs: Heat is not a Metaphor

Listening: Sundial by Noname

The stories we tell ourselves

Hi friend,

I hope that you’re finding time to cultivate some moments of joy throughout the day.

I’d like to invite you to think about the stories that you tell yourself about who you are and what you're capable of. Are there any recurring themes or patterns that emerge? Are the stories empowering and uplifting, or do they hold you back from the essence of who you are? What are some of the narratives that shape your beliefs, perspectives and behaviors?

My partner was recently invited to interview a well-known Quebec politician at his annual work leadership conference. When I asked him if he was nervous leading up to the session he told me that that he wasn’t. The interview went really well and was one of the highlights of the event. Sometimes I feel jealous of how my partner can move through life with ease and confidence. It helps that he grew up in a home that was nurturing and safe. It also helps that he has the privilege of being a white man.

As part of my coaching practice I get asked to do public facing work often. While giving workshops and coaching groups has gotten easier over time, my inclination is to over-prepare because I want things to go perfectly. On some level I still carry around stories that I’m not good enough or that I don’t deserve to take up space. Through self-reflection and exploration, I’m learning to unravel the threads of my core stories and rewriting them with intention and compassion. I practice this by choosing to respond to things differently than I normally would, paying attention to what’s going on in my body when I’m feeling triggered, and learning to look at situations more objectively. I also try to remind myself that I don’t have to be defined by my past. I can choose to tell a different story, one that is more aligned with my true essence.

How are you exploring and reshaping your core stories and what empowering narratives are you cultivating to guide you on your journey?

All my love always,
Vesna

The love list:

Watching: The Other Two

Reading: The Small Bow

Listening: Seven Psalms

This is fifty

Hi lovely,

I hope that you’re having a happy and easy spring season.

Here is a letter that I wrote to myself on the day my birthday:

Dear Vesna,

I can’t believe you’re 50. It feels like the blink of an eye and it feels like time is passing by slowly. You’re surprised at how emotional you’re feeling and how much you’re thinking about your mortality. There’s a sense that you do not have as much time as you’d like. This realization is at once terrifying and liberating.

You’re filled with deep gratitude for your partner who has supported you and uplifted you through so many chapters of your story. You make a note to yourself to thank him more often. You can’t believe that you’re a mom to a kid who’s smart, sensitive, kind and loving. You never imagined that you would be able to recreate a family for yourself and give yourself the kind of love, safety and connection that you wish you’d received as a child. While you’re still angry at your parents sometimes the anger doesn’t consume you the way that it once did.

You’ve come so far. You’ve changed, evolved and grown so much, especially in the last year. You’ve shed some weight from the past, you no longer rely on meds to help you sleep and you’ve taken charge of your health in significant ways.

You can’t believe that you turned your life upside down and started a business when you were 45. You’re amazed at how your business is growing, thriving even. You have the most amazing clients who teach you more than you ever teach them. The fact that you make a difference in peoples’ lives is something that you never take for granted.

You’ve planned a dance party to celebrate your birthday and you’re amazed at how many people want to be there. Part of you wants to run away and hide from it all but you also realize that it’s important for you to take up space. Perhaps your days of playing small are finally behind you.

At times you wish that the feelings of depression and anxiety would disappear altogether, but you’ve gotten good at understanding that those moments are fleeting.  You have a ton of tools at your disposal to help you ride the waves. If you’re feeling a certain way it’s probably because you’ve been paying attention. You are no longer interested in pretending to be happy. You allow yourself to cry and rage at the injustice of things.

You live in a beautiful neighbourhood in a cool city and you have built a beautiful community around you. There is nothing lacking. You want to continue to give yourself permission to just be as you move through life. You’re learning how to say no more often and listening to your instincts. You’re also learning how to rest. While you still have a kind and compassionate heart, it feels like you’re entering an era of less fuck-giving and it feels amazing.

You are connected to your ancestors and the ways in which they protect and uplift you. You’re interested in what older women have to say. It surprises you that you’re becoming a little witchy with age but you’re not mad about it.

You’re reminded of something that John Kim said about how our lives are in two phases. The sun phase and the moon phase. You like to think that the early years of your life were like the sun. You had so much energy. You felt like you were always chasing something. You were always reacting to things. The sun is heated. The second half of your life is the moon phase. The moon is calm. The moon knows things. The moon is interested in tides and energies, the ebb and flow of life. The moon attracts. The moon doesn’t chase.

You’re trying to not always be in the before and the after. There is only the during. More and more you realize that there is no arriving. You found a quote from Nisargadatta Maharaj recently and it speaks to you: “Wisdom tells me I am nothing. Love tells me I am everything. And between the two my life flows.”

While the future is uncertain it is also tinged with hope. You want to stay open to the magic. You want to keep dancing.

You are so loved. Keep bringing the light.

All heart,
Vesna

The love list:

Watching: Fight The Power: How Hip-Hop Changed the World

Reading: Bernadette Meyers’ list of journaling ideas

Listening: I made a playlist with favourite songs every year since 1973. Here it is on Apple music and Spotify.
 

Not minding what happens

Hi lovely,

How are you?

I’ve been thinking about surrender lately. It’s probably the thing that I struggle with the most. I love feeling in control and I’m deeply attached to the routines and rituals that help keep me grounded and focused. I’m learning to be more open and flexible when life inevitably throws curveballs my way.

Here are a couple of stories and approaches that have helped me with this lifelong practice.

You might be familiar with this first story. It is foundational to my PQ learning and it is one that I reflect on often:

The Stallion Story

An old farmer lives on his farm with his teenage son. He also has a beautiful stallion that he lovingly cares for. The farmer enters his stallion into the annual country fair competition. His stallion wins first prize. The farmer’s neighbors gather to congratulate him on this great win. He calmly says, “Who knows what is good and what is bad?” Puzzled by this reaction, the neighbors go away.

The next week, some thieves who heard about the stallion’s increased value steal the horse. When the neighbors come to commiserate with the farmer, they find him again very calm and gathered. He says, “Who knows what is good and what is bad?”

Several days later, the spirited stallion escapes from the thieves and finds his way back to the farm, bringing with him a few wild mares he has befriended along the way. To his neighbors’ excited rounds of congratulations, the old farmer once again says, “Who knows what is good and what is bad?”

A few weeks later, the farmer’s son is thrown off one of these new mares as he is trying to break it in, and his leg is fractured. As the neighbors gather to commiserate with the old farmer, he once again reminds them, “Who knows what is good and what is bad?”

The following week, the imperial army marches through the village, conscripting all eligible young men for the war that has just broken out. The old farmer’s son is spared due to his fractured leg. The neighbors no longer bother to come to the old farmer to congratulate him. By now they know what his response will be: “Who knows what is good and what is bad?”

This story is a good reminder that when unexpected things happen, we cannot immediately know if they are good or bad. It also illustrates that fact that we can find gifts and opportunities in even the most difficult situations.

The next story is one that I first read in this wonderful Oliver Burkeman article. Burkeman shares how the spiritual teacher Jiddu Krishnamurti was giving a lecture once and he asked the audience if they wanted to know his secret to life. His answer was, “I don’t mind what happens.” 

I’m trying it out, this whole learning-to-not-mind-what-happens business. It’s so hard, but I try to remind myself that sometimes the bad things that happen put us directly on the path to the most wonderful things that will ever happen to us.

I am sending you love, ease and care as you continue to learn to be with the unknown.

Warmly,
Vesna

The love list:

Watching: ALOK and dressing for pure joy

Reading: Cyndie Spiegel on finding microjoys

Listening: The deep joy that comes from knowing that De La Soul is finally available on streaming services

That solo entrepreneur life

Hi friend,

How is your February going?

I’ve been doing some soul-searching in regards to my work lately. As someone who thinks and talks about boundaries often, it’s been interesting to observe how quickly and easily I say yes to things and I’m slowly learning how to say no to projects that don’t light me up. This is not always easy. Those of you who work as solo entrepreneurs know that there is nothing more scary, time-consuming, frustrating, liberating and exhilarating. The both/and feelings are so real. It never ceases to amaze me how running a business is essentially an excuse to work on yourself and that process inevitably brings up moments of scarcity and lack. There is not right answer to how to balance your time, create offerings, make money and connect to your audience.

One of the things that I’ve been hearing from my clients lately is that they want to work less. They would rather turn their attention to the things that feel sustaining rather than depleting. This resonates with me deeply. Perhaps because I’m ensconced in midlife, I find myself less invested in my good-girl conditioning and my deep desire to please. This work is on-going and I don’t always get it right, but I’m learning to tune in to what my mind, body, heart and spirit are telling me in ways that I never have before. This often means trusting my intuition and tuning out all the noise around me telling me what I “should” be doing. Lately my intuition has been telling me that I need to find community because working alone can be isolating. While I rarely miss the monotony and obligations that came with my 9-5 office job, I do miss being able to bounce ideas off a colleague and those moments of chit-chat, so I’m trying to figure out how to bring some of that back into my day-to-day. I’m also looking trying to figure out how to scale my business in a way that is gentle and sustainable. It’s not lost on me that these are all nice problems to have and I feel lucky to be in a place professionally where I can contemplate the future.

I love this quote from Victoria Erickson which I find encapsulates the work that we’re all called to do : “If you inherently long for something, become it first. If you want gardens, become the gardener. If you want love, embody love. If you want mental stimulation, change the conversation. If you want peace, exude calmness. If you want to fill your world with artists, begin to paint. If you want to be valued, respect your own time. If you want to live ecstatically, find the ecstasy within yourself. This is how to draw it in, day by day, inch by inch.”

I’d love to hear from you, how are you embodying what you’re called to create these days?

All my love,
Vesna

The love list:

Watching: Rick Rubin on how to stop overthinking

Reading: This essay in the New Yorker about imposter syndrome

Listening: Bad Bunny Un Verano Sin Ti

A peaceful start to the year

Hi lovely,

How are the first couple of weeks of 2023 treating you?

While I appreciate the sense of excitement that comes with the beginning of the year, it’s hard not to get bogged down and feel like I’m coming up short if I’m not actively “crushing goals” and getting crystal clear on my resolutions. As someone who is self-directed and motivated, I can get easily swept up in all the marketing noise and lately I’ve been noticing some feelings of guilt and shame surfacing that I’m falling behind somehow. I also find myself comparing myself to other coaches who are seemingly living their best “new year, new me” lives.

The whole thing is exhausting!

I don’t know about you, but I’m still in recovery mode from these past few years and trying to ease into this chapter slowly and intentionally. I like to remind myself of the importance of paying attention to the different seasons and cycles in nature. It seems counter-intuitive to be in full-on transformation mode in the dead of winter so I’m reminding myself that it’s okay to move slowly. What matters most to me right now is creating some ease and simplicity to my days.

I like to choose words for the year and my word for 2023 is PEACE.

Cultivating a sense of peace looks like responding rather than reacting to the challenges that life throws at me, being kind and compassionate with my son and partner, giving myself grace when my perfectionistic streak rears its ugly head, showing love and appreciation for my changing menopausal body, seeking out projects and clients that are aligned with my values, and wrapping my head around the fact that I’m turning 50 (!!) in April.

I’ll leave you with some thoughts from coach and therapist John Kim: “Don’t tell yourself that this will be your year. Every year is your year. Your year is not defined by what happens. It’s defined by how you live it. Don’t put any pressure on any year to save you, because it’s not it’s job.”

May you be safe, may you be healthy, may you be happy, may you be at peace.

All my love,
Vesna

The love list:

Watching: What We Do in the Shadows

Reading: An American Marriage by Tayari Jones

Listening: Cool it Down by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs  

Navigating the holidays

Hi lovely,

How are you?

It’s been a busy few months here at Coach Vesna headquarters. It’s hard to believe that it’s already December. Most days I feel like I’m trying to catch my breath. Lately I’ve been thinking about how we’re forced into believing that the holiday season is a time of endless bounty which inevitably makes me question whether I’m doing enough.

As a way to tune out the noise, I like to ask myself, what advice does your wisest, kindest and most compassionate self want to give you about managing the holidays? I believe that planning for the holidays means planning for your wellbeing. I’m a big proponent of anticipating how you’re going to respond to life’s challenges in moments when you are feeling whole, capable and resourced rather than when your nervous system is in overdrive.

I want to share with you some of the practices that have kept me grounded in the swirl of life in this pandemic liminal space. As always, what works for me may not work for you, so look for the things that brighten your spirit and keep doing them. I firmly believe that it’s the daily rituals and promises that we keep to ourselves that are the building blocks to creating the life that we want.

Writing: I do a short version of Julia Cameron’s morning pages as soon as I wake up and I answer the following three questions in my journal: I will let go of, I am grateful for, I will focus on.

Joyful movement: I try to move my body every day. Lately I’ve been loving Grow with Jo and her fun online workouts. I discovered Qi Gong during the pandemic and it’s been such a grounding practice for me.

Nervous system work: I’ve been following the work of Andrew Huberman who turned me on to the benefits of Non-Sleep Deep Rest. Ally Boothroyd has a such a calm voice and her yoga nidra videos have been deeply nourishing.

Completing the stress cycle: Burnout is a forever topic of conversation with my clients. I often refer to these 6 strategies that I learned from Emily and Amelia Nagoski that are so useful when needing to move the stress that is lingering in my body.

Boundaries: Speaking of forever topics, this one is a biggie (and so tied to the burnout piece). Nedra Tawwab is my go-to boundary expert.

I will leave you with these thoughts from Lisa Olivera: “For those who are dreading the upcoming holidays, remember that you get to honor your boundaries, honor your needs, honor your desires… even if they differ from those around you. You get to listen to what feels most nourishing for you. You get to say no when you need to and say yes when you want to. You get to set limits on your time and energy. You get to tend to yourself before putting everyone else first. It’s uncomfortable to disappoint others; sometimes, we do need to make compromises. But within all of that is the truth that your own well-being, health, and vitality matters, too, and you are allowed to do what you need to tend to it — to you.”

May you find moments of peace, joy and presence this holiday season, and may your 2023 be filled with an abundance of blessings.

With love,
Vesna

The love list:

Watching: Los Espookys

Reading: Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb

Listening: My friend Sean Michaels is a beautiful novelist and music critic. His list of favourite songs of the year always makes me happy.

Learning to rest

Hi friend,

How are you?

If you’ve been following me for a while you know how much I believe in the importance of slowing down and making time for rest. Recently I found myself moving through my days at such an accelerated pace that I felt like I was heading for another burnout. Because I’ve been in that place of depletion and exhaustion before, I’ve gotten pretty good at recognizing the warning signs but it’s always interesting to notice just how easily I can lose my footing.

When I started to think about what might be happening, a couple of things came to mind. I think I’ve underestimated the toll that these past few years have taken on me and it can be jarring to feel like things are “back to normal” when clearly they’re not. I see such a deep fracturing beneath the surface and it’s important for me to name and acknowledge it (which is tough to do when you’re moving so fast that you can barely catch your breath). When it comes to slowing down, I’ve been thinking about the ways in which resting was never something that was encouraged or modelled for me during my childhood. Let’s just say that I don’t have a lot of memories of seeing my exceedingly hard-working immigrant parents doing nothing.

As a child I was always the responsible one. The one who was taught to be caring and loving, but not necessarily towards herself. For a long time I thought that this was okay when it wasn’t. While I’m getting better at asking for my needs,  there are still moments when I notice a myself getting angry and resentful. This anger is often directed at my partner who is naturally laid-back and who has no qualms about taking breaks when he needs to which I find so triggering. I read something by coach Marina Yanay-Triner recently that really struck me. She writes “it is normal that your partner triggers you so much. Your partner is your closest attachment figure, after your parents in childhood, so in a sense your partner continues this attachment dynamic you’ve had with your caregivers in childhood. Whatever isn’t healed, whatever wounds still stand gaping open, your partner will trigger that in you. Also, we are attracted to the people who embody qualities of ourselves that we have rejected or disowned in some way. For example, if you are always go, go, go and you’ve disowned the part of you that loves resting, and for as long as you continue to forbid yourself (unconsciously) to rest, that partner will continue to trigger you when they are resting. This is a beautiful way in which the universe works for us, so that we can heal deeper, and actually accept more and more parts of ourselves.”

My mental fitness training has taught me to look for the gifts and opportunities that can be found in challenging moments, so this been a good wake-up call for me. I’m actively recommitting to the practices that make me feel rested and restored because I honestly believe that it’s the small promises that we keep to ourselves on a daily basis that are the building blocks to creating the life that we want.

Here’s to becoming more conscious of how you spend your energy. May you figure out how to let go of the places, things, and relationships that are taking more from you than you realize. 

May this coming month renew you with goodness and blessings.

Sending love,
Vesna

The love list:

Watching: The wonderful new seasons of Ramy and Reservation Dogs. I also enjoyed Hasan Minhaj’s comedy special, The King’s Jester

Reading: The Sentence by Louise Erdrich

Listening: Nap minister, Tricia Hersey in conversation with Glennon Doyle on how to finally rest

Taking things slow

Hi friend,

It’s been over a month since I last wrote to you. This was unintended on my part. Sometimes life forces you to step back and slow down. I had so many magnificent plans for a joyous and restorative summer but a nasty bout of Covid took me out for a big chunk of August. I was hoping to come back to you feeling fully revived, but the truth is that I’m easing back into work and life more slowly than expected and that’s okay.

So much self-judgment and guilt arises within me when I’m just floating along, but if these pandemic years have taught me anything it’s that I need to be more conscious of how and where I direct my energy. For so long I didn’t realize that trying to create big beautiful things from deep exhaustion and over-work only took me further away from myself. To this day I sometimes lose myself in work because it’s a way to run away, or numb myself against, the fear and anxiety that comes from slowing down.

Here’s an exercise from Rachel Schwartzmann that I’ve been sharing with clients who are looking to incorporate moments of rest into their days: “Set your timer for five minutes and do nothing. Stare at the desk or the wall or the dust motes in a slice of sunlight. Then write about the thoughts, the questions, and the answers that came up in that moment of slowness, of stillness.”

As you become more conscious of how you’re spending your energy and what you’re paying attention to, the eternally wise Lama Rod Owens invites us to ask this question: Am I being depleted or am I being sustained?

I’d love to hear from you and learn about the practices that are bringing you aliveness these days.

Wishing you moments of ease, moments of joy, a single deeper breath.

All my love,
Vesna

The love list:

Watching: Mo

Reading: Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner

Listening: Lies About the War by Jacob Banks

Heart work makes the dream work

Hi dear one,

July 11 is a special day for me. Four years ago, I launched my coaching practice. I am filled with so much gratitude to be of service to others and to do work that is filled with hope and meaning.    

Those of you who’ve worked with me know that getting to this point in my career was not without a fair share of highs and lows, including an epic burnout followed by a year of reckoning. Back then it was really hard to imagine that one day I’d be working for myself and following the whisper in my heart that was telling me that a better way forward was possible.

For most of my life I was really invested in being a good girl and not an unapologetic woman. Starting a business at the age of 45 involved doing a ton of work on myself which included working with a mentor coach, a therapist and a psychiatrist (just a few of the wellness peeps that make up my support network). I had to become comfortable with not pleasing everyone and learning that every “no” from a prospective client was bringing me closer to a “yes.” It meant walking away from a familiar but high stress day job. I had to push myself to become more visible (which was tricky because my default has always been to not seem pushy and demanding). It meant embracing lots of messiness and letting go of my deep desire for order and perfection. Finally, I had to get really clear on what felt true to me rather than following someone else’s rules about what a coaching business should look like.

I started this practice with a tiny email list of friends and no real strategy in place, but I had undergone a transformation and folks could relate to my story and the business started to grow steadily. The process hasn’t been quick and shiny, but I feel a lot of satisfaction in learning how to be a better coach and entrepreneur every step of the way.  

Thank you for being here and for supporting my journey. And thank you for being my best teachers as I continue this heart work.

May you always remember who you are and light the world by being your luminous self.

Sending love,
Vesna

The love list:

Watching: Veneno

Reading: Uses of the Erotic by Audre Lorde

Listening: ALOK in conversation with Prentis Hemphill

Sources of joy

Hi lovely,

The world feels so heavy at times. Here are some of the things that have been bringing me ease and joy lately.

This hardcore city kid has a little garden for the first time in her life. When I feel sorrow creeping up, I go outside and look at my garden which is overflowing with lavender, irises, pansies and azaleas. I remind myself that the land is always caring for me and is there to alleviate my sadness. I’m slowly learning to get back into relationship with the natural world, especially when I’ve been conditioned to believe that systems tell me who I am.

I engage in daily rituals that make my heart sing. I also try to find moments in the day where I can just go inward instead of outward in order to untangle all the stories floating around in my head. These small acts of care feel generative and impactful.   

I’m learning to reverse the narrative that I can do everything on my own. This means relying on my people and asking for help. I want to remember that that healing also happens in community.

I’d like to hear from you: what are some things that are making you feel alive?  

Sending love,
Vesna

The love list:

Watching: We Own this City

Reading: Roger Angell on aging

Listening: Big Time by Angel Olsen 

A letter from my future self

Dear Vesna,

I want you to know that you’ll be just fine. All the things that you’re worried about right now are not that important so stop forcing things to happen in that weird unrealistic timeframe you’ve created for yourself.

You are in exactly the right place. That place might be overwhelming and apocalyptic at times and yet…fuck me if there isn’t something sacred and beautiful about all of it.

Make decisions that are rooted in your truth and less invested in what others think. Try not to only solve things with your thoughts. Wholeness comes from the wisdom of your body and spirit. Happiness means being able to let go of things that are no longer serving you. As adrienne maree brown said  “when I can’t change something, I let it go. I give it to earth – that which is larger than myself. If it doesn’t serve the miracle of life, let it go.”  When you feel uprooted it’s because you’re not paying attention to the gift of the present moment.

Remember your sources of refuge. You find refuge in music and dance and nature and rock shows and friends who make you feel at home in the world. As a mom and partner, you will nurture a sense of peace and calm, and a space for feelings. You will also be surprised to hear what your kid is going to say about you in therapy.  

It will take you time to become courageous enough to be yourself and tell your story, but in doing so you will have a lot less regret.

You will repair yourself over and over again and you will become a better person in the process. It will also become clearer to you that the world will always fall back into place.

Abundance, rest, ease and joy are your birthright and what your ancestors wanted for you all along.

So, stay open to the magic.

-Future Vesna

 The love list:

 Watching: Heartstopper

 Reading: La fille d’elle-même

 Listening: Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers

Seeds of intention

Hi dear ones,

I hope that your spring is off to a lovely start.  

This Aries gal loves the newness of spring. After a long and taxing winter, the month of April signals a desire for change, hope, revival and rebirth.

Around my birthday I always like to ask myself what I want to release and what I want to carry forward into the new year.  

Here are some of the things that I am ready to release:

• Feelings of scarcity

• A need to be busy and the culture of urgency

• Chronic overthinking

• Disregarding my needs

• The idea that life is short. It’s actually long. We actually have plenty of time to reinvent ourselves many times over

Here are some of the things that I would like to carry forward:

• Joy, ease, laughter and abundance

• In moments of stuckness, giving myself big doses of self-compassion and reminding myself that I’m in a season. The good news is that seasons pass

• Being mindful of my pesky saboteurs and using the tools at my disposal to weaken their power over me

• Celebrating wins, even the small ones

• Sitting with discomfort and learning to accept pain in order to set it free

• Trusting the unfolding of life and trying to find the gifts in even the most challenging situations

• Being able to tell the story of how I rebuilt my life and career in my mid-forties

• The deep love and appreciation that I feel for my smart, sweet and soulful coaching clients 

I’d love to hear from you: what are you releasing this season and what is awakening in you under the growing sunlight?  

Much love always,
Vesna

The love list:

Watching: The Andy Warhol Diaries

Reading: This profile on Ocean Vuong

Listening: The new Phife album

The wiser elder self

Hi dear ones,

Happy spring! What seeds of intentions or desires are you noticing growing inside of you? How can you ensure you nurture this growth?

I’ve been thinking a lot about growth and evolution lately, especially as my birthday approaches in April. One of the things that I’ve learned through my Positive Intelligence studies is a contemplation that instantly brings me back into my sage powers and reminds me of what’s important.

I invite you to take a moment to picture your wiser elder self. This is the elder version of you who is of sound mind and body, who has lived a full life, gained great experience, perspective and wisdom, and who is happy to share this wisdom with you. Picture what you look like, the expression of your face and eyes, your overall energy, spirit and attitude. Ask your wiser elder self, what is important for me to pay attention to today? What should I worry less about? What really matters? Thank your wiser elder self and feel their presence alongside you in the hours and days ahead.

My wiser elder self is bright and lively, but also super relaxed about life. She has short white hair and lives by the ocean. She likes to remind present-day me to have fun and she also reminds me that things can be easy. I did this this exercise with a coaching client recently and the message she received from her elder self was “it ain’t that serious.” How wonderful and true!

Based on what your wiser elder self tells you today, make some commitments to yourself about how you will approach situations differently. Let me know what your wiser elder self reveals to you.

I’ll leave you with this quote from writer Lisa Olivera: “In a world that so easily throws us off kilter, choosing to root back into what you’re here to do, what you’re here to be, and what truly matters to you, over and over, is a gift.”

All my love,
Vesna

The love list:

Watching: Abbott Elementary and Taylor Tomlinson: Look At You

Reading: The Other Black Girl by Zakiya Dalila Harris

Listening: Motomami by Rosalia

Tending to our hearts

Hi dear ones,

It’s a cold afternoon here in Montreal and the sun is streaming in through my office window. I’ve had an intense love-hate relationship with winter for as long as I can remember. This Arabtina is happiest when it’s hot and sunny and there’s a beach nearby, but lately I’ve been learning to appreciate winter as a season to slow down and go inward. This feels so counter-intuitive, especially when we’re bombarded with messages telling us that we always have to do more.

The truth is that I can’t come into clarity if I can’t first admit where I feel instability and uprootedness. I find myself often doing (and thinking) too much and I’ve had to learn that in order to tap into my inner knowing, I have to get really intentional about carving out time and space to be sensitive to what is showing up for me in any given moment.

The practice of slowing down and tuning out the noise is something that I always work on because my moments of quiet often bring up all kinds of emotions that I’ve been actively trying to avoid. As one of my teachers Lama Rod Owens likes to say, “I can’t get to joy if I’m always running away from pain.” 

Instead of always reacting and resisting, what if we could just tend to our hurts and consent to being broken hearted sometimes? What if we could remind ourselves that we can be broken hearted by life and still cultivate gratitude and joy?

I challenge you to allow yourself to have a full range of emotions and experiences to meet life as it comes, and to practice showing yourself love in small and big ways, every day. I’m here to tell you that joy and ease can be armors against a future that feels so uncertain.

Here’s to brighter days ahead and the promise of spring.

With all my love,
Vesna

The love list:

Watching: Somebody Somewhere

Reading: This article in The Atlantic about friendship

Listening: Oliver Burkeman talking about time management with Krista Tippett